Change. Such an easy to word to say. But often such a hard thing to do. We are creatures of habit aren’t we. Well at least I am anyway. With all the hustle and bustle I love to create in my life- all the chaos, I love sameness. I especially love the traditions during the holidays.
It seems I’d rather suffer from the pinch in my back from the worn down stuffing in my old chair then get a new one. Why is that? Even the suffering becomes a comfort. Until one day it finally breaks down completely, there is no way to salvage that which should have been thrown away a long time ago. So I grieve the loss of the sameness, the comfort I had in the sadness of it.
Christmas is my favorite holiday. I love finding that perfect gift, surprising the mail carrier and watching the joy in my children’s eyes as we inch closer and closer to Christmas. I love putting up my lights and decorating my tree. Baking cookies and making Christmas dinner.
This holiday season has not been easy. Sure I’ve put on the happy face for my kids and my family and even my friends. But with each holiday tradition I’ve had to recreate I’ve cried. It’s not that I’m not excited about creating new traditions, making adjustments to the old ones to fit my new life. I am excited for my “new” life. But I miss the old one. How is that possible?
Change is uncomfortable. I look outside my window and see a world that wants to change. I see a world screaming for something new- yet we wake up each day, put on the same old shoes and start the sameness all over again. We live in fear of what might happen if we change. Will I still be me (whoever that is!). Will I still be loved? Will I still have the same teller at my bank? Will I still have a bank? It does sound scary. But I know that the future is scary. It’s the unknown. We can either choose to see it scary or with excitement. I often do both.
Sometimes change is forced on us. I actually think that makes it easier. Then I didn’t have to make the choice to change- it was forced on me dammit! I can sit around and blame the change on someone else. But I still have to change.
But what am I really changing? I am changing the way I celebrate, I am changing the ornaments on my tree. Those are the external changes, the external physical habits that are connected to the internal emotional habits.
I am seeing new parts of my world I hadn’t seen before- but maybe they were there all along. I am making new connections, rewiring my brain. Throwing out the old ornamental beliefs and finding new ones. They aren’t better or worse- I don’t think – they’re just new and will take a little getting used to, that is if I keep them. The greatest gift I got this holiday was the gift that change can be good and if I don’t like what I got- I can always change it again.
Happy 2012 to all! Enjoy the change!