Magic of Toothpaste
For what seems like an eternity I have been carrying a lot of extra weight. I have woken up everyday feeling a sense of dread, knowing that the minute I put my feet to the floor I would feel the crush of it- pressing me down, keeping me from lifting off into creativity, life and joy.
Of course you know what I’m talking about. No amount of Pilates or saying no to that piece of chocolate cake will make this weight go away. I tried everything it seemed to loose this bag of rocks. Cajoling it, trying to convince it to leave, that it was just dead weight I didn’t need to carry anymore. But it stuck around. I tried starving it of attention and just when I thought I’d conquered it, I check and sure enough there it was. Stubborn, like me of course. Refusing to budge.
And then it happened. Yes I said “IT” because I do not know what made that 1000-pound weight leave. All of a sudden, while standing in line at the grocery store, I took a deep breath and it was gone. At first I didn’t believe it, just figured it was hiding for a moment while I enjoyed the freedom of doing something mundane and normal like buying toothpaste.
I walked to my car, looking for it, like I look for my keys in my purse- it has to be here. For a moment I started to panic, it had been with me so long.
Where was it dammit?! Walking was so much easier. I felt so much lighter. What the hell happened? I look around me, maybe I was in some sort of vortex, maybe this store was some portal in which the wisdom of the universe came through and enlightened anyone standing next to the kumquats. Okay so that was a stretch. Whatever happened. It was gone. Really, In a flash it was gone.
Of course I couldn’t leave it alone. Why now, why at that moment. Why not when I was meditating, why not leave when I, down on my knees begged it to leave. If I could just figure out what I did in that moment, I could replicate it for all the other things I have weighing me down.
How many books have I read or lectures have I attended – “just do it”, “Attitude is everything”. “It’s your brain! Just rewire it!” “It’s that easy”. And apparently it is. Because one moment it was there and the next it wasn’t. Why couldn’t I let it go months ago? I know what your thinking –“You weren’t ready, Betsy”. But I was ready, at least I felt ready, I believed with all my being I was ready, why would I want to carry that weight around? Why do I do that? What part of me wasn’t ready and why can’t I know what that part was now? What changed in that one moment? Maybe it was all those things I did to get it to leave finally worked. Or maybe in that moment in line, with nothing to do but wait patiently (and maybe scan the headlines of the enquirer), I was actually just being and all of a sudden I finally didn’t need it anymore. Of course it’s that “all of sudden” part that I want to understand.
As I sit here a few days after that moment of release. I still check to see if it’s returned. I’ve been tested, put into situations where that weight would normally bare down with all it power. So far so good. In its place is this overwhelming sense of love and forgiveness. A true physical and emotional feeling that all is good. No need to go back is the voice I hear in it’s place. I’ve decided not to continue to question why it left. I’m just grateful in the wisdom it brought me and the feeling I have now in it’s place. Oh and I’m grateful for that tube of toothpaste too.