From Fairy Tales to Romance Novel – Relationships Post Divorce

Written by  //  05.29.12  //  Life Unscripted Blog, Word  //  1 Comment

I could rail against the word WHY. I could beat it until its bloody ink is splattered against the wall. Why do I….. Arg!

What is it about a tortured soul that beckons me like a moth to the flame? Misery must love company, I guess.

But I am not miserable. I am not happy, I am not in-between, or maybe I am. These days I feel it all so intensely, moment to moment I shift from pure joy to pure devastation. It’s the nature of change, the ugliness and beauty of metamorphosis.  Have you ever actually watched a butterfly emerge from the chrysalis?  It’s a messy process. But the end result is mesmerizingly beautiful, isn’t it.

It’s been 15 months since I separated from my husband. Nearly 10 years of my life spent with one person. I knew it was over, so did he. We each had our process.  I chose to look back on those 10 years in awe, in gratitude. Even as I still carry a lingering anger at the way it ended.  I decided to move forward, to find the future me.

I have dabbled in men since then, dated, done the walk of shame a few times, and had my heart touched by the sweetness of someone. But I knew I could not truly love anyone, because I don’t quite love myself yet.

Even so, I still enjoy the companionship of being with a man; it’s just different then hanging with the girls. But I have set ground rules for love these days. I don’t want to get married (I’ve done that twice and not very successfully), I don’t want any more children (I have two amazing kids) My life is not in a place to co-mingle anything, really.

So, then what would a relationship look like to me? I love to be in love, I love the feeling of exploring someone new.  I love to fall hard and dance naked by the fire under the stars.  But then what? I still yearn for the romance, but I don’t want to do their laundry.

Is that possible? Is it possible to have that experience without expectations? Can I temporarily be in love? I thought maybe I was just looking for sex, but that’s not it. I’m looking for a deep connection, but a different kind of connection. When I look across the table I realize I’m not interested in the story anymore, I don’t look at a man as a provider, I’m not looking for the fairytale nor am I expecting to live happily ever after. I am looking for someone like me. Confused, lost, temporarily found, nope lost it again…unable to commit, but honest and real about who and where they are.

It’s oddly ironic – I’ve moved from fairytales to romance novels. Two tortured souls coming together in a wild night of passion – leaving, quietly, early in the morning, lest we wake up together and look into each others eyes in the daylight.

I am exploring this new type of love. There is respect there, there is a feeling of being connected to someone – even if they don’t know I need to buy milk or go to the post office. Is it possible for me to keep the mundane out and the magic in?

I am examining myself closely, watching to be sure why I am in this new relationship. Is it fulfilling me? Or is it a temporary band-aid so I can avoid myself? Sometimes it’s both, and that’s ok with me. As I have said before in my blogs, I am in a space and time where I am observing me, learning me again.  Trial and error is all I have, it’s not like there is an instruction book on me. I am writing it as I go.

So instead of killing the WHY, I’ll enjoy it. Why is a gift of exploration and experience. Even if it sometimes leaves a mark.

I recently wrote a book called Metanoia- A Transformative Change of Heart – click this link to read an essay from the book called “Agreements” about relationships.

If you’d like to read the whole book you can purchase it for $4.99 here: http://betsychasse.net/metanoia/

 

 

 

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    About the Author

    Mom, Filmmaker, Author, Radio host and Blogger. Co-Creator of the hit film "What The Bleep Do We Know?!". Betsy Chasse is an internationally known filmmaker, author and speaker. She funny, irreverent and thoughtful in her exploration of all things spiritual. She believes “if we aren’t laughing we aren’t growing and learning.”

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    One Comment on "From Fairy Tales to Romance Novel – Relationships Post Divorce"

    1. Silvia C. 06.14.12 at 7:17 am · Reply

      This is where I am! Married twice, do not want anymore kids(have three awesome of my own) Betsy thanks for sharing, keep on trucking, I want that connection too, but do not want to let go of being “on my own.” Plus though I too have “dabbled” with men, I have a creeping sensation that I am growing tired of doing just that. But I understand the wanting to be around men, darn it!…its not the same as being with our women friends. To me its a process and as long as it betters me, I will continue on this journey…hope you find that romance!Silvia

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