Spiritual Journey – Take 2
I remember a time when I would start every conversation trying to figure out how to tell people, “Hey I made What the Bleep.” It was my calling card—my way to instantly prove to anyone who would listen just how cool and amazing I was. I had it all, had it all figured out and wanted you to know it.
I lived happily in that bleeping cloud of “know it all” for 10 years.
Then, eight months ago, I woke up facing the total annihilation everything—and I do mean everything—I thought I knew about life, love and the universe. All of it was proven wrong. And it only took about a nanosecond to get there.
The one thing I feared the most—being abandoned and alone— happened. It’s interesting how those fears we keep hidden, try and hide from, seem to come screaming into our lives. Mine- The big “D”. Divorce. One day I was a “happily” married woman on top of the world, the next day I was out. Literally.
All my years of study, all my travels to meet gurus and teachers, all the spiritual books I had read—suddenly all of it felt useless. I was fine while riding the high. Who isn’t? But nothing in my spiritual toolbox had prepared me for hurt and pain and the sudden terrifying emptiness that engulfed me.
Being forced to reexamine my life was not something I was planning on doing. I mean, after all I did make “BLEEP.” I’d already figured this out—hell, people paid money to hear me talk about how I figured it all out. I didn’t need a refresher course, thank you.
So for a little while I pretended to act cool. I tried playing along and repeating all the catch phrases like, “I hold onto the knowing that everything will be ok,” or “What lesson did I create this situation for?” But it didn’t work.
Deep under my spiritual smile, I was not only rejecting what had happened to me, I was rejecting all the spiritual lessons I had learned. I didn’t want to be in THE NOW, thank you very much. It hurt too damn much. I didn’t want to “meditate on it” to see what lessons I’d called to me. I wasn’t willing to trust “the universe” to deliver one more thing. I mean, look what it just delivered. Anybody starting a sentence with, “You must look within,” chanced me throwing Eckhart Tolle’s book at them.
Screw spirituality. It was just a bunch of pathetic and useless philosophy—just another way to hide from reality—which sucked. I was angry and hurt and the more I tried to pretend I wasn’t, the angrier and hurt I became. I had to throw away every belief I had collected and identified with. It was all a lie. None of it was the real me—whoever that was. I had no idea.
Not knowing frightened me. The persona I had created was so easy—post a few positive comments on Facebook: “Look at me, I’m so happy.” Smile and laugh louder than anyone in the room. That’s all I needed to do and everyone wanted what I had. Even I wanted what I thought I had. The lie became so real even I believed it . . . until the lie became so hard to hold together it blew up. I blew up. Bye-bye BLEEP girl.
Confusion, loss, pain and sorrow. My NOW was filled with it. But finally a little light flickered in the darkness and I grasped one thing: When I began my “spiritual journey” I began it not because “I” began it, but because the old me—the driven, tenacious go-getting Hollywood producer—had been hired to begin it.
I was hired to make the “BLEEP.” I was paid to read all those books and talk to all those gurus and scientists. I had to “get it” because that was my job. None of it came from a place of genuine exploration. It was just research, like I did for any job. Of course my spiritual beliefs were a lie. Of course they couldn’t sustain me. They had never been “mine” in the first place. I hadn’t asked for them. Never truly integrated them.
Amazing things, beliefs. Where do they come from? Most we adopt by the time we’re five and then we then keep them forever. The rest we pile on like clothes purchased on a bad shopping spree at Nordstrom’s. Do we even decide what to buy? Or do we take on beliefs that don’t fit just because that’s what everyone else is wearing?
Well, it’s time for a garage sale.
Now I can really look at my beliefs (and I do mean REALLY!) and decide what works for me, without the paycheck! This time it’s not for anyone else, it’s for ME! And it’s okay for ME not to agree with the crowd. There is no right or wrong. I can try beliefs on and let them go if they don’t work. I don’t need to fit anyone’s ideal of what is “spiritual” because it’s all spiritual. And I’m not on a schedule.
I was the “BLEEP GIRL.” But finally I’ve grown up. Woken up and accepted who I am and where I am. Which by the way is nowhere and everywhere. Now when I meet people who say, “Hey, you’re the girl who made BLEEP!” I can say, “Yes, I was. But now I’m just me. And that is a work in progress. Believe me!”
Or purchase the printed book at amazon