The difference between the “No’s” in my head.
I am not a club joiner. I do not belong to all the cool societies, organizations and clique’s that I “probably” should. Part of this is my rebellious streak, the independent part of me that likes to strike out on my own. But another part comes from past experiences where I used to “belong”, but got burned, or I burned myself and now my first reaction at the mention of a club, school, group or organization has me running for the hills.
I have tested the waters a few times in my adult life. Even us lone wolfs, like to have a bit of a pack. Joining up and jumping in with both feet. Hoping that this time my fears won’t come true even though, hidden deep , is a fear of promises broken. I have believed with all my being the altruistic ideologies carried by these groups, only to have my hopes dashed again and again. I seem to parachute in right to the top and pretty quickly the man behind the curtain is revealed.
Of course it is. I am looking for it. The cynical part of my being carries a lot of weight in my head these days – especially when it comes to the “tribe”. Too many times I have given my heart only to have it roasted and eaten. So wounded is my soul that now even as the words are barely out of someone’s mouth my body reacts with disgust. I will not go down that road again. I can do it alone. I don’t need any association with the “cool” people to do it. Or at least that’s the story I tell myself to avoid really engaging. To avoid living out my fear of not being accepted, being lied to or being used.
I have often wondered (I mean I am part of the movie that said “we create our reality”) that if that statement is true – then why do I keep creating that experience? Why is it that I find myself at first enamored with and then exposed to the seedy unauthentic reality underneath the facade of enlightenment. The let down of realizing yet another isn’t living up to the practice they preach. Am I living up t the practice I preach – that’s an easy answer…probably not.
Layered under this discussion is the real root of this- it’s my distrust of myself. My own fears of not being “cool” enough, smart enough, enlightened enough. My own fear of showing anyone that I am vulnerable, impressionable – or that I might need his or her help. I don’t want anyone to see I want to believe so badly because if it’s not true then what is all this for? Finding one person, group, or company that actually really lives this stuff day in and day out will somehow make it possible for me to do it as well. Please someone prove to me it’s possible, because I can’t seem to prove it to myself.
Boy, dissecting one’s beliefs systems is a rabbit hole. Funny thing is it always comes back down to a core issue. For me it’s self worth. I jump in – prove I’m not worthy – get hurt and push away. Or I jump in, give everything I’ve got – create success only to be thrown out the minute that success has been tasted. Licking my wounds and being cast away, I hide deeper and deeper into my own cave. On the outside I’m wearing the mask of rebellion, the “I don’t need you – I can do it all by myself” face. But on the inside I am feeling hurt and rejected.
I do want to feel connected, to feel a sense of belonging. But at what expense? So often the promises made in the glossy ad aren’t what’s delivered when you open the package. I find lately I tend to throw the baby out with the bathwater. To hold the whole accountable for the few.
As I am about to embark on a new part of my journey, I know I need help. I know I can’t do it alone- and that I don’t want to. I know there are people out there with the same yearning for change as me and with the same desire for honest and transparent communication. I need to listen to my gut – I must listen to the one voice in my head that speaks the truth to me, not the Judge and the jury that feeds my story. I am finding my way to listening to that voice again. Pulling away the blanket of distrust over everyone. Realizing that I see what I am looking for, so I am looking for something else.
I am beginning to see the difference between resistance because of fear of hurt, betrayal and a fear of failure and the NO because this isn’t right.
As I come to this realization I look at the people close to me and I see them to be a reflection of this new understanding. They are authentic, they are inspired, they are creative and most importantly they are human.
People often ask me when will I make the next “BLEEP”. I feel a pressure to recreate that. I don’t know if I ever will. I don’t know if I want to. Lately a lot of “possibilities” have been dangled in front of me. I set an intention and boy are they flowing. A lot of new groups to join, people to schmooze, companies to partner with. I’ve been asking myself to be clear about my intuition. To separate my past experiences from what possible. I am ok with not knowing where I’m being led. But I am comfortable in knowing when not to go down that road. I hear the difference now between the no’s in my head.
I am finding clarity in what I want to do with my voice, my creativity and my future. It’s time for me to walk towards my fears – to walk with them and to engage them, to understand them so that they don’t thwart my dreams.
There is a time and a place for NO. But not because I am afraid, because my knowingness tells me it’s not the right path. Being present to the distinction is key for my dreams becoming reality.
So the next time you hear me say NO – you’ll know I mean it.