The past – ahh my friend.
Funny thing for me is that as I wrote that I had a thought. I don’t look at my past as ugly. And although I’ve moved on – it’s still with me as little remnants of wisdom and some hurt.
I went on a date recently (I know OMG!) and this person asked me if I had any regrets. I thought for a moment and then I said NO.
He looked at me stunned “How is it possible you have no regrets?” and I said, “because it’s the past and every moment I have lived has given me a gift. Have I always been perfect? NOOOOO, I am human. Have I always made the right choices? NOOOO – I am human. But each experience has given me the gift of knowledge and understanding. Now believe me it usually takes me a while to figure it out, sometimes years and there are probably a few (that’s an understatement I’m sure!) that I have yet still to grasp. But I am truly grateful for every moment of my life.”
Because without those moments I would not have this one.
I realize that it may sound easy for me to say I have no regrets, especially if I was on the giving side of the hurt. So I am taking this moment to say I am sorry to each and every person I have ever hurt in this life and every person I’m probably going to hurt in the future. I truly am sorry – my heart has never meant to hurt you and I hope you can forgive my awkwardness at being a human. I am often opinionated and often passionate about my being right and knowing. And with that I know I have hurt some feelings and bruised some egos along the way.
In the last few years, I have come to realize I am ok with not knowing and that being right is only an opinion and I’ve grown weary of playing tug of war with the bag of truth.
I am taking this moment to say THANK YOU for giving me the opportunity to act out in way that showed me what I needed to see. I am forever grateful to each and every one of you.
I have forgiven myself of my past “failures” at being human and I have forgiven those who have “failed” me.
The most cathartic thing I have done in the last year was to write a book exposing my most inner thoughts and feelings. Allowing myself to share how I truly felt, instead of hiding behind the mask of the “got it all together girl.” Letting go of the hurt and the anger of the past and taking in the gift of the wisdom of it. Freeing myself of the hidden thoughts and words that I carried as wounds and replaced them with honor and love and gratitude.
In beginning to allow myself to be with the hurt and the fear instead of feeling shamed by it, pushing it deeper into the blackness of my soul, I have come to see it’s not as scary as I’ve made it out to be. There are lessons to be taken from them and used as I move to the future.
Last night I sat with anger and hurt and betrayal. We talked and explored each other until they realized I wasn’t any fun – so they left. I’m sure they’ll come back again, but I know each visit will be shorter and shorter.
There are people, places, things, times and events that I am still trying to glean the wisdom from, that still cause me suffering. But they soon will find their place of honor. I am a work in progress and I find acceptance in who I am.
I sincerely wish this for all of us. Because if we are to move into the future – we mustn’t forget our past, we cannot regret it. We must be grateful for it because it paved the way for the future.